


What Tangled Webs We Weave

by ladyamesindy



Series: Commander Jayce Shepard [9]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1400440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stress is an all too familiar word for Commander Jayce Shepard. From curing the genophage on Tuchanka to the Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel, it is all building upon itself. When the web becomes even more tangled, it's all she can do to find her way though ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Tangled Webs We Weave

She just could not catch a break, it seemed.

After her terse, yet highly informative discussion with Councilor Valern, Commander Jayce Shepard approached the galaxy map with grim determination and set their course for the Citadel.  “EDI,” she called out while waiting on the elevator, “call me when we’re on approach.  Until then, I’ll be in my cabin.  Traynor, no interruptions.”

“Yes, Commander,” came the chorus of agreement.

Jayce felt the urge to pace nearly consume her as she entered the loft several moments later.  Too much was happening too fast right on the heels of everything else and it was leaving her head in a tailspin.

_Jayce, you need to settle down and think._

Benjamin.  What timing.  Figured.

Pausing on her way across the room to stare over at the fish meandering lazily through their tank, Jayce mused, _It just doesn’t make any sense, Ben!  Why would Udina be involved in something like embezzling?  And at this level?  Assuming it is even that, I guess?  I mean … he’s supposed to be on OUR side!_

 _You’ve always said he rubbed you the wrong way_ , Benjamin pointed out.   _Does this really come as a surprise to you?_

Jayce frowned, her brows taking a severe dive in towards the bridge of her nose.  Her brother had a point.  Or, well, his memory did.  No, that wasn’t quite right either -  her _memory_ of him did ….  

“Gah!”  With a solid thump, Jayce banged her forehead against the glass of the walled tank, sending several of the creatures inside flittering off wildly in whatever direction they could find.  “Why, Ben?” she whispered, though the pained sound had little to do with physical discomfort and more to do with the increasing insanity of the galaxy surrounding them.  “Why does the world make no sense anymore?”

Since joining up with the Alliance, Jayce could honestly say that there were very few times that her doubts - about people, events or places; about anything, really - outweighed her level of personal confidence, but given the considerable stress and battle fatigue she was facing coming straight out of her missions on Tuchanka, and the ever increasing and expanding threat of the Reapers, this was one of those times.  

“Okay … so councilor Valern said that Udina was moving ‘vast sums of money,’ but they didn’t know why,” she murmured, fingers tracing idly after the path of one of the tiger-striped fish who ventured close and swam by her nose.  “If the money was for the war effort, like Udina suggested he was going to try to pull together weeks ago, why would Councilor Valern be interested in it?  That would mean less funding that the Council would have to provide towards helping with the Crucible … wouldn’t it?”

_Well, he IS a salarian._

Jayce scowled, finger tapping just a bit too hard on the glass which resulted in the tiger-like fish zipping off.  “Non issue,” she muttered.  “Despite his personal dislike of me and my methods, if Valern was anti-human, I would never have been named Spectre in the first place, and he certainly would never have contacted me about this.”

 _Okay, point,_ Benjamin replied.   _Perhaps he dislikes Udina as much as you do?_

Jayce rolled her eyes.   _You’re overreaching, brother_ , she chided silently.  But one turn of phrase kept coming back to haunt her.  “‘Vasts sums of money’ … hmmm ….”  

Turning on her heel, Jayce crossed over to her desk and quickly sorted through the stack of data pads until she found the one she was looking for.  Scrolling through the page, she verified the date of the information.  “Okay … so, how much would ‘vast sums’ be, do you think?  Certainly enough to keep Hackett in supplies and resources.  For a while anyway, right?  Even with the galaxy falling apart as it is, ‘vast sums’ ought to get him materiel to last a couple of months at bare minimum?”

_You were always better with numbers than I was, Baby girl.  Why do you think I let you keep the books for us?_

Jayce ignored the compliment and instead read off the most recent account numbers she’d been sent.  When Hackett had said he would keep her updated on the status of the project, he hadn’t been kidding.  “So, I wouldn’t exactly call what he’s been given from that quarter ‘vast sums,’” she observed as she dropped the data pad onto the desk.  

Again she turned, this time to start pacing a slow path back and forth near the foot of her bed.  Fingers laced together, she tucked them beneath her chin, tapping her chin every three steps.  “That begs the questions … if Hackett’s not getting the money, or the resources that were supposed to be purchased with the money, then who is?”

Jayce slowed her pacing as she thought she could almost see the pattern in the information she had before her, but something about it all was remaining elusive … like knowing the exact word you wanted to use in a sentence, only you couldn’t bring it to the forefront of your memory when you needed it.  

 _Ma always used to say, ‘It’s right on the tip of your tongue,’_ Benjamin mused.  

Jayce chuckled.  Leave it to him to have all the answers.

_Isn’t that why you keep me around?_

Jayce was in the middle of rolling her eyes when Joker’s voice interrupted.  “Commander … you’re gonna wanna get down here for this.  We’re coming in to the Citadel … and, well,  go figure - there’s trouble.”

Sighing, Jayce turned towards the door.  “Of course there is,” she muttered.  “On my way.”

  


~ 0 ~

  


_What the hell?  What the hell?  What the hell?_

Over and over in her head, the words kept repeating as she, James and Garrus fought their way through the Cerberus troops.   _Cerberus!  Openly attacking the Citadel!_

Jayce swore she was almost at her breaking point.  One more bad move and someone was gonna get it - POP!  The full fury of one Jayce Lauren Shepard.  Right between the eyes.  And at this point, she was beyond caring who her target was.  If nothing else, it might help _her_ feel better, right?

Every single time she thought perhaps they might catch a lucky break on a mission - just for once! - something else had to go and happen.  What was it she’d told Liara after that nightmare shortly after they’d fled Earth and Mars?   _Bad things happen to the people around me._  Well, something like that, anyway.  Anderson being left on Earth.  Kaidan nearly dying on Mars.  Mordin sacrificing himself on Tuchanka and Eve nearly following in his footsteps, all in order to cure the genophage.

Granted, this time they did get a little bit lucky with Councilor Valern.  Finding him alive and sound, if not quite safe at first, had been a break.  But then Thane had fallen in the councilor’s defense, so severely injured that Jayce could only pray that the doctors who had put Kaidan back together so well would be able to pull a second miracle out of their collective hats for the drell.  She was using every bit of willpower to ignore the last exchange between herself and the assassin; that one last look as he urged her to go after the perpetrators, where she’d been able to read the truth in his eyes.  

_Damn it all to hell, this isn’t fair!_

Benjamin, thankfully, allowed her to mentally rant in silence.

Then there had been Udina - and the truth, finally!  Betrayal at it’s finest and highest levels, though not completely a surprise to her by that point given Valern’s earlier concerns and later warnings.  But for the Council?  For Kaidan?  No, they hadn’t had any inkling whatsoever, which was made clear the moment Jayce and her squad finally caught up with them.

That confrontation, too, hadn’t been without its own near miss.  Coming face to face, pistol to pistol with Kaidan when finally catching up with the Council had been unexpected, to put it mildly.  He had himself planted defensively between Udina and the Councilors on one side and Jayce and her squad on the other, like any good protector would.  Knowing what she did, though, Jayce had recognized the situation for what it was almost immediately … and along with that came the recognition of why Udina had so adamantly insisted upon Kaidan becoming the second human spectre.  Not only had the man been moving money, it seemed, but carefully building and positioning his own troops on a chessboard of his own making, as it were.

“I can explain this, Kaidan.”

Hours later, Jayce could still hear the words as they had come out of her mouth at the time.  Could still see the look in his eyes as they both met over the barrels of their weapons.  Heart pounding, chest twisting incredibly tightly at the possible outcomes available, Jayce had elected to follow a path that, she’d hoped at the time, would bring the situation to a non-violent resolution despite the chaos going on around them.  For a few moments, it had even worked.  She’d lowered her gun; he’d lowered his; they’d exchanged a bit of information verbally, even more visually.  Tensions had eased somewhat ….  But, in the end Udina, the bastard, had forced the issue, proving once and for all the truth behind Jayce’s claims.  Kaidan had seen to that.  

Now, in the aftermath of it all and despite having lost yet another good friend in such a senseless manner, Jayce felt anger at the insanity of it all taking over.  She could almost feel sorry for whoever crossed her next, because just as she’d felt earlier in the day, no matter who it ended up being she was in a mood to verbally rip them to shreds.  

So of course that meant it would have to be _him_.

Stepping through the airlock, preparing to board the _Normandy_ , Jayce came face to face with her ‘victim.’   _How appropriate._  She kept it civil for the time being, barely.  By the time she’d agreed with Kaidan’s request to return to the _Normandy_ , Jayce was realizing she needed … space.  Distance.  Toss in a punching bag or some other sort of target she could tear into, and she might even begin to call it something close to a win/win situation.  

She should have been alerted when Kaidan followed her onto the elevator, she supposed.  Then again, there was only one elevator, and she had told him there ought to be some free bunks still on the crew deck.  It wasn’t her fault she pressed the button to her cabin before he could for the floor below, was it?  That they would have to share the ride?  

 _Define ‘fault,’_ Benjamin suggested mildly.

 _Dammit, Benjamin!_ “Shit!”

  


~ 0 ~

  


Her curse was muttered softly, but with such vitriol that, combined with the pounding of her fist against the side of the elevator just before it came to a halt at the loft, it caught Kaidan’s attention immediately.  He’d noticed from the moment she’d appeared at the airlock that there was a heightened tenseness surrounding her.  At first, he’d simply written it off to the situation with Cerberus and Udina.  Leftover adrenaline that she needed to work off.  That situation had been enough to make _any_ body stressed, after all.  But at the time, she had spoken to him in a calm and level tone, leading him to wonder now if something else could be behind the sudden change in attitude.  He had figured Garrus might be able to give him some insights, or even James, and based on that, Kaidan had formulated a plan of action: he’d claim his bunk first and then go in search of the others.  Only after that would he approach her.

But then Jayce had caught the elevator with him and those plans had sailed right out the proverbial airlock.  If nothing else on that short ride up from the CIC, Kaidan was able to realize just how affected Jayce was by whatever was irritating her.  

By the time they reached her cabin, he thought he could easily identify what the reason was.  After all … he still owed her that promised explanation, didn’t he?  Their confrontation before the Council notwithstanding, there was still that sore point.  He had asked her several times over the past months to trust her without giving her so much as a hint as to the reasons behind his request and, somehow, someway, she had seen fit to do so.  He would be foolish to think she wouldn’t be angry and upset about it now after what had happened.

And yet, Jayce had not said a word about it.

Stepping out of the elevator after her, Kaidan followed behind as she stepped inside the cabin.  

She was about halfway in, just stepping onto the lower section, when Jayce executed a sudden sharp spin on her heel and turned around to face him.  He saw her hand rise, impatiently tangling in loose tendrils that had escaped the ponytail she was wearing, her voice filled with the acidic hint of exasperation.  “What do you _want_ , Kaidan?”

Internally recoiling at the near violence in her tone, Kaidan simply raised an eyebrow and replied, “We still need to clear the air between us … don’t you think?”

Her posture became almost defensive as she folded arms across her chest and glared at him.  “What is left to say?” she countered.  “You explained to me down in the airlock -”

“Actually,” he broke in while taking a few steps towards her, “I didn’t.”  Her face pinched in confusion, eyes narrowing further.  “Look, this whole thing is … complicated, and I probably shouldn’t even be telling you about it ….”

His voice trailed off and he waited to see how that would affect her.  Her eyes met his and held for a long moment that he knew was spent in internal debate.  “Go ahead,” she agreed.  

Now that it was back on him, Kaidan suddenly felt torn.  He knew she wasn’t going to like what he had to say … but he had just been following orders, right?   _Lame excuse, Alenko_.  “Last year,” he began, deciding to set things up first, “after you stopped by on the Citadel, I was contacted by Anderson.  He wanted me to help him out, he said.  Perfect opportunity.  I was the only one qualified for the position.  Along with the assignment would come a promotion -”

“Major,” she murmured softly.

Kaidan nodded.  “Yes.”

“And the assignment?”

He sighed.  “I almost refused it at first,” he assured her.  “But, you know Anderson.  Hard to argue with someone who has his kind of experience.  A real hardass when he wants something his way, too.”

Jayce’s lips twitched.  “Welcome to my world,” she told him wryly.  “How do you think I got talked into N7?”

Chuckling, Kaidan nodded.  “Trust me, I thought of you plenty at that time.  I was there to witness how the whole Spectre thing worked out, remember?  Anyway, I was given command of 1st Special Operations, Biotics Division.”

There was a lengthy pause, but he did see her eyes widen at that news.  “Your focus?”

“Covert operations,” he replied.  “Anderson had me working with the best and brightest; training them, testing them, putting them out in the field, into real life situations.  I was worried at first; afraid I wouldn’t have what it took to do the job right, but the students … well, they were pretty spectacular.”

Again, he saw her lips twitch.  “I’d say they had the best teacher out there,” she murmured.

“Now you sound like Anderson,” he countered.  “Plus, you’re biased.”

The smile stuck this time.  “True.”  She gestured towards the couch and he nodded, following her to sit.  “So … what does that have to do with today?”

Kaidan turned to face her.  “When I visited you, back in Vancouver?”  She nodded.  “Anderson and Hackett had just pulled me from the classroom and were sending me out on an active mission,” he explained.  “They’d received word of a possible Cerberus infiltration within the Alliance.”  

Her scowl returned.  “ _‘Next time we meet, you will notice a distinct change,’_ ” she quoted from that discussion.  

Kaidan nodded.  “The infiltration was deep, Shepard,” he explained, “and you were at the heart of it.”  Anger flared behind her eyes and he lifted a hand to ward off her protests.  “Look, you and I know that it wasn’t true.  Even my main source for the information knew that.  However, we had to go with what we had.  I didn’t want to go into this without giving you some hint, though.  Some sort of warning.”  He shook his head, and added, “I shouldn’t have told you at all, really, but when it came right down to it, the only one I trusted back then _was_ you.  Even Hackett and Anderson had to be considered under suspicion in the beginning.”  He didn’t even go into the fact that the two officers had likely known his purpose behind visiting her then.  It was all a moot point now anyway.

“And yet … you treated me as if you didn’t trust me at all,” she observed.  “As if you believed I was associated with Cerberus again.  As if that information was true.”

“I had to,” he told her.  “The information we had was vague, but damning.  It pulled you into the mix by suggesting that your return to the Alliance had been engineered specifically by Cerberus, to plant you well within the Alliance’s grasp in order to gain access to -”

He broke off as he watched her jump up to her feet and begin pacing.  Not unusual for her, he knew, but he also understood that it was more than that.  It was a way for her to keep her anger in check as well.  Kaidan sighed softly.  Rising himself, he crossed over to catch her, grasping her hands and holding them in his own.  It wasn’t  until he squeezed them both that she looked back up at him, and then he could see the hurt hiding behind violet eyes.  “Do you remember what I said after that?” he asked quietly.

Her eyes seemed to search his then, but she murmured, “‘ _Just remember that I believe in you._ ’”

Tucking his finger beneath her chin, he tilted her face up towards his.  “I had to act as if I didn’t trust you,” he explained.  “Especially once we found out Cerberus was on Mars.  Remember, our information suggested there was someone planted within our ranks.  I didn’t know if that could be James or Anderson or someone else.”

  


~ 0 ~

  


Jayce shuddered at the memories Mars brought.  Not so much how Kaidan had treated her - that part she could understand.  Mostly, anyway, now that he’d given her an explanation.  And he was right - he _had_ tried to warn her.  Sort of.  No, what really was causing her to shake, resulting in her taking a step back and looking away from him, were the memories of what happened at the Archives.  

“Jayce?”

Struggling to get herself back in control, she hugged her arms to herself and asked in a ragged tone, “So … how did that get you to what happened today?”  She paused another moment, swallowed tightly past the dread still grasping at her throat and finally turned to face him again.  

“I picked up another lead on Mars,” he explained.  

Jayce frowned, her eyes darting up to meet his.  “How the hell did you get a lead while we were there?  Everything was chaos!”  She thought about that for a moment.  “You weren’t chasing Dr. Core, were you?”  The synthetic _had_ infiltrated the Alliance Archives, after all.

He visibly winced and shook his head.  “No. I knew nothing about her.  My lead came from my source … who was located on Mars at the time.”

Jayce shook her head in confusion.  They hadn’t run into anyone on Mars who might have had information for them, had they?  It had just been her and Kaidan and James … and then Liara ….  “Shit.  Liara.”

His soft chuckle had her opening her eyes again.  “Yes.  The Shadow Broker was aiding me in my investigation,” he agreed.  “She was the only one who could, really, that was outside of the Alliance but still on our side.  Hackett had brought her to Mars to help with the research on the Crucible project, sure, but also to be closer to me and my investigation.”

Moving towards the end of the bed, Jayce dropped to sit.  She wasn’t surprised when he sat beside her.  “So she gave you a new lead?”

He nodded.  “Slipped it to me while you were investigating that broken locker in the labs.”

Jayce rolled her eyes.  “Damn.  I _thought_ you two were hanging back too long!”

She saw his lips quirk up at the side.  “It was all innocent, I assure you,” he promised with a hint of laughter in his tone.  

She ignored that and just rolled her eyes again.  “Okay, so she gave you a new lead … but you were in _Huerta_ after.  When were you able to follow up?”

He reached over to take one of her hands in his and it did not escape her notice how he used his thumb to gently rub at the back of it.  “When you came by that first visit?  After I was awake?  I was already putting plans into action … or perhaps it would be better to say that a golden opportunity fell into my lap that worked with the situation.”

“Golden opportunity?” she echoed.  Her eyes widened as she recalled almost being run over by Udina that day.  “ _Udina_?”  

Kaidan nodded.  “Udina asked me to consider becoming a Spectre … and the information I had was leading me right to him, so I figured, what better way to keep an eye on him …?”

“You knew!”

“No,” he corrected her, “I suspected.  We still didn’t have anything concrete - which is why I agreed to become a Spectre.  Don’t get me wrong,” he added.  “I’m honored to be the second human Spectre.  I hope I can live up to your example.”

“Oh, please!”  She brushed away the words, but his grip on her hand tightened and tugged just a little to pull her closer to him.  “Kaidan, if anyone is an example for how a Spectre should be, I think you more than fit -”

She was surprised when his hands braced her shoulders, giving her a small shake.  She looked up and was caught by the intensity in his eyes.  “Jayce, being a Spectre isn’t about integrity, and you know that.  It’s about making the right call at the right time, even when the options available aren’t the best ones.  I know that.  I’ve seen you do that.”  He paused, eyes closing briefly, but when they opened again, she noticed more of a sheen to them and heard the roughness in his voice.  “Virmire … I don’t know if I could have made a decision like that.”

“Kaidan ….”  She lifted a hand to curl around his.  Sighing, she shook her head.  “You never know until you’re in that moment what you will do.”  He nodded.  “You can’t compare your style to mine.  You know that.”  Again he nodded.  Moving her hand to cradle his cheek, she offered him a warm smile.  “I think we both know that you know how to be a Spectre.  You know what needs to be done.  Situations are never cut and dried, black and white.  I can give you a perfect example, too.”

“Yeah?”  His hand tightened around hers as they fell onto their laps.  

She nodded.  “This situation with the genophage.  The turians wanted krogan support on Palaven to help against the Reapers before they would send us the help we were requesting.  Not surprising, I suppose, given that Earth and Palaven were pretty much in the same boat, but certainly not what I was expecting at the time.  The krogans insisting they won’t help until they get the genophage cure.  And,” she added, giving him a knowing look, “this is Wrex, remember.  This is the _third time_ he’s had an opportunity for something like this fall into his lap.  So there I am, requested to supervise this meeting … turians and krogans and salarians only because the asari just don’t think it will do any good to discuss it -”

“Their mistake.”

Jayce flashed him a wry grin.  “True.  Anyway, the salarain dalatrass ends up the only one against the idea.  I’m left with a decision … and I make it.  And she calls me a bully for forcing her hand.”  Jayce shrugged her shoulders.  “I’ve been called worse, I suppose.  Then we actually get to the cure itself … and before we go planetside, the dalatrass calls again … and tries to convince me to sabotage the whole thing.  To pretend that it goes through, but to keep it from actually happening.”  Her eyes hardened.  “There you go:  Spectre Shepard making the hard calls.  What do I do?  The salarians have a point - there’s been over a thousand years of peace with the krogan kept to minimal numbers.  On the other hand, if I don’t do it, or if I do and it’s found out because, this _IS_ Wrex after all, then the turians won’t get their help and Earth won’t get any.  How do I make the call?”

“You made the right one,” Kaidan told her quietly.  “What happened with the krogan was … wrong.”

Jayce shook her head.  “This wasn’t about right or wrong _past_ choices, Kaidan.  This was about now.  I could make the call to support the cure and start making alliances that hopefully will help us survive this war and have a home to go back to.  Or, I could go against it, hope no one will find out, and -”

“- have to live with your decision the rest of your life,” he concluded for her.

Jayce nodded.  “Personally, I know my choice was the right one.  Cure the genophage.  The krogan have been punished long enough.  They deserve the chance.  No species should be allowed to be completely wiped out like that.”  She paused and took a deep breath.

She saw him blink in surprise and lifted a brow in question.  “That’s … why you chose to let the rachni queen survive, isn’t it?  Back on Noveria?”

Jayce nodded.  “Exactly.  And, by the way, that would be twice now.”  His eyes widened so far and so fast she thought they might just pop out.  Chuckling, she explained the events that occurred before she cured the genophage.  “They’re now aiding Hackett with the Crucible.  Anyway, my point is that you won’t know until any given situation how you will have to make a call, or what options will even be available.  However, knowing you as a person, knowing your background, you have what you need in order to do it.”  

Sighing, she sat back from him and stared down at their still joined hands.  “So … how did this suddenly turn into me being some sort of inspiration for you when it was supposed to be you playing connect the dots and telling me what happened?”

“I was about to tell you that, going into that little confrontation we had earlier today, I _did_ know Udina was the one behind it,” he explained.  “Unfortunately, by the time I found out which was right around the time Cerberus started their attack, I was being called in to help protect the Council.”

Jayce blinked.  “So … when we were pointing our weapons at one another today … you already knew beforehand?” she asked.  

He nodded.  “I know it didn’t sound like it,” he added.  “Up until he pointed a weapon at Councilor Tevos, I had to play as if I didn’t know.  I couldn’t tip my hand too soon.  Besides, my proof wasn’t one hundred percent until that weapon was drawn.”  He brought his other hand around until he had them wrapped around hers.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you more in the loop on this.”

Jayce dropped her gaze and glanced to the side.  She was …. angry.  Upset.  Disappointed, perhaps.  That was all natural, and probably just a little too personal of a reaction given the circumstances.  After all, she had no reason to doubt his explanation, and she knew well and good how it was to be under cover or having to act like one thing when really you were another.  

“Jayce.”

She didn’t have to be looking at him to hear the truth in his tone.  There was sorrow there.  Concern.  Almost a plea for her to understand.  So much was there that he was not speaking aloud, but that she could hear simply in the way that he said her name.  Memories drifted around her - their first meeting so long ago, missions together, the night before Ilos, seeing him again on the Citadel the year before, him coming when she asked to help rescue David Archer.  The list could go on and on … and he _had_ asked her to trust him.  She couldn’t say he hadn’t warned her even though she hadn’t quite understood it at the time.  

  


~ 0 ~

  


Kaidan released her hands and stood when she didn’t respond.  He had wondered if she would forgive him for this.  From the beginning, when he’d first received the assignment and knew it to be rot as far as where her loyalties were concerned.  He had hoped she would understand the reasons he would do this - his dedication to the Alliance, to doing what was right.  But it appeared that she had been betrayed one too many times, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she viewed this time as the worst of them given how close they had become.  He’d tried to give her what warning he could … but to no avail.

Rising, he began to step away.  However, her hand shot out and caught his again, grasping tight and holding firm.  “Don’t!”  

Her voice was almost a panicked whisper, and so he heeded it for the moment and stopped where he was.  She hesitated again and kept her face turned away from his, but he thought he could feel a slight trembling in her hand.  

“Kaidan, I ….”  When she did look up at him, he noted the warring emotions there.  “Stay … please?”  Her words were more than just a simple request, he realized.  “Today has just been hell, and I need … just a minute to process it all.”

He turned to face her, his hand moving to grasp hers more securely.  “Alright.”

“I’ve lost two very good friends in the past couple of days,” she announced, her pain almost a tangible thing.  “And then I nearly lost you, or,” she amended, “thought I did.  I -”

Kaidan tugged on her hand, pulling her to her feet before him.  Moving his hands, he framed her face.  He had heard about what happened to Thane just before he’d headed to the airlock to wait for Jayce to return.  He and the drell had gotten to know one another in the hospital and Kaidan had felt a profound sense of loss at hearing of his death today.  “I’m so sorry,” he told her sincerely while lowering his forehead to rest against hers for a moment, “if I caused you unnecessary worry.”

“There will be times like this, I know that,” she said.  “Times when you can’t always tell me what is happening beforehand or I can’t tell you.  And earlier, … do you have any idea what a shock it was for me to realize that, if you hadn’t agreed to back down I would have had to take you out?  To understand that you took a greater risk simply by keeping up your act for your mission when I didn’t know it was one?”

“It was a risk I had to take,” he replied.  He watched her closely, could tell she was still struggling with all that had happened.  Turning his head slightly, he pressed a kiss to her lips.  Just the briefest of touches, but one meant to reassure her.  To calm her.  To remind her.  In less than the blink of an eye, he could see the effect on her.  It was like a spark of life had returned inside of her.  Eyes brightened, flaring wide in hope.  He heard her gasp softly, saw her lips open as he pulled back.  “Just as you are,” he added.

Her eyes closed, and for a moment, Kaidan was afraid he’d said the wrong thing, but when she opened them again, he could see the truth there.  Deep.  Her hand rose to find his again, sliding inside of his as she pulled him close.  “And you … for me,” she murmured.  Sighing softly, she asked, “Don’t go yet … please?  I …. Could we just sit for a while?”

Pulling her close, Kaidan wrapped his arms around her.  “Of course,” he promised before leading her back over to the couches and taking a seat.  “For as long as you like.”

She landed beside him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder and he felt her entire body relax against him.  He couldn’t help but wonder just how long she had been running full throttle, but in the end he knew all that mattered right then and there was that he could give her some sense of calm.  It would do for now.

 


End file.
